It's been 20 days now since I've had my head shaved and I figured
I was due for a blog entry. People ask me why I haven't blogged in so long, and
honestly it's cause I didn't know what to even write about. Ever feel like
you're in the middle of a trial and you have no idea what you are learning, but
you know you are learning something? Well that was me the first 2 1/2 weeks.
Since my "Day One" blog, things got better, but I've still had some
broken days scattered throughout. The first week was a roller coaster, and
after about 5 days I finally could look at myself in a mirror without jumping,
and it started to feel normal. The second week was finals week, and I felt like
I didn't have any time to even think about the fact my hair was gone, and all
my friends were getting used to it- so that week was much better. On May 3rd I
finished finals and finally came back to St. Petes. May 3rd felt like April 23.
I was reliving "Day One" because everyone- including my dad, sister,
and best friends, were seeing me for the first time. No one was used to seeing
me without hair, and I was different all over again. The moment I got
to town I had to go straight to the dentist, and the old lady next to me
started telling me what it felt like when she went through chemo. After 10
minutes of cancer talk I finally had to tell her I don't have cancer. That's
where it all began. My breaking point was when my dad came home from work later
that day, walked in the door, and said "Who’s the new boy in the
house?" I pushed his arm off me, looked him straight in the eye and said
in a stern voice "NEVER call
me a boy." I snapped. Any other day and I would have taken that joke just
fine, but not on the day where I was reliving
"Day One." Since then, I've been able to reflect a lot.
What have I
learned since I've been bald you ask?
Job 1 :20
"Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the
ground in worship and he said "Naked I come from my mother's womb and
naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of
the Lord be praised. "
That is exactly
it. That is what I am learning every single day- Everything in this life is
fleeting and that my mourning can be a form of worship.
I looked up every
time that "bald" or "shaved" was in the bible, and boy was
there more than I thought. In the bible days, shaving your head was a sign of
mourning. Like in the Job passage, when he lost his family on top of everything
else he already lost- it was breaking point for him- and he shaved his head and
mourned.
Genesis 37:34 "Then Jacob tore his clothes...and mourned
for his son many days."
Isaiah 15:2 "Dibon goes up to its temple, to its high
places to weep; Moab wails over Nebo and Medeba. Every head is shaved and every
beard cut off."
Jeremiah 47:5 "Gaza will shave her head in
mourning..."
Isaiah 22:12 "...the Lord Almighty, called you on that
day to weep and to wail, to tear out your hair..."
Micah 1:16 "Shave your heads in mourning for the children in
whom you delight; make yourselves as bald as the vulture, for they will go from
you into exile."
Ezekiel 27:31
"They will shave their heads because of you ...They will weep over you
with anguish of soul and with bitter mourning."
Jeremiah 7:29, Jeremiah 48: 37, Ezekiel 7:18, the list
goes on.
I did this 2 weeks ago and thought- I have no idea what I can
learn from this, move on..
But just this week it hit me. Mourning, grieving, being broken-
it's all necessary for joy.
At church this week, the pastor said "Christians should be
the best mourners."
We often feel that crying is a sign of weakness. Christians should
put on a smile everywhere they go, Christians should tell others that are sad
that they will find "joy in their trials" and not mourn with them,
Christians should hold it together or else people will see that the Lord is not
enough- that's a bunch of nonsense. Be where you’re at, and He will meet you in
that place. If you are broken- grieve- He will meet you there.
We can grieve in a non healthy way though, we can grieve in self-
pity and find our self in this place of depression, of
self absorption. This doesn't just mean physically crying, this means
sulking- sulking in our self. The Lord doesn't call us to be victimized; He
calls us to be victorious. Jesus didn't stay in that tomb, wrapped up. HE
ROSE. Why would He stay in the
tomb when He is the son of God? Why would we stay in a state of
self- absorption when we can be redeemed?
It's so easy to sulk in self- pity. When I was on my knees
screaming and weeping in the shower as I talked about in my "Day One"
blog, I wanted SO badly when I finally got on my feet, to go into my bed, cover
my face, and sulk in that bed, all day long- not talking to anyone, not doing
anything, just sulking.
I forced myself to open the Word, and when I did, it took ONE VERSE to
completely erase all my sorrow, completely pick me up off my feet, and
completely fill me with JOY. Joy was not the fake smile I had at Wal-Mart, joy
was when I gave myself a time to mourn and then ran into His open arms, and was
filled with an eternal hope that will never be taken away from me.
