A Time to Mourn

It's been 20 days now since I've had my head shaved and I figured I was due for a blog entry. People ask me why I haven't blogged in so long, and honestly it's cause I didn't know what to even write about. Ever feel like you're in the middle of a trial and you have no idea what you are learning, but you know you are learning something? Well that was me the first 2 1/2 weeks. Since my "Day One" blog, things got better, but I've still had some broken days scattered throughout. The first week was a roller coaster, and after about 5 days I finally could look at myself in a mirror without jumping, and it started to feel normal. The second week was finals week, and I felt like I didn't have any time to even think about the fact my hair was gone, and all my friends were getting used to it- so that week was much better. On May 3rd I finished finals and finally came back to St. Petes. May 3rd felt like April 23. I was reliving "Day One" because everyone- including my dad, sister, and best friends, were seeing me for the first time. No one was used to seeing me without hair, and I was different all over again. The moment I got to town I had to go straight to the dentist, and the old lady next to me started telling me what it felt like when she went through chemo. After 10 minutes of cancer talk I finally had to tell her I don't have cancer. That's where it all began. My breaking point was when my dad came home from work later that day, walked in the door, and said "Who’s the new boy in the house?" I pushed his arm off me, looked him straight in the eye and said in a stern voice "NEVER call me a boy." I snapped. Any other day and I would have taken that joke just fine, but not on the day where I was reliving "Day One." Since then, I've been able to reflect a lot.

What have I learned since I've been bald you ask?

Job 1 :20 "Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and he said "Naked I come from my mother's womb and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised. "

That is exactly it. That is what I am learning every single day- Everything in this life is fleeting and that my mourning can be a form of worship.

I looked up every time that "bald" or "shaved" was in the bible, and boy was there more than I thought. In the bible days, shaving your head was a sign of mourning. Like in the Job passage, when he lost his family on top of everything else he already lost- it was breaking point for him- and he shaved his head and mourned.

Genesis 37:34 "Then Jacob tore his clothes...and mourned for his son many days."

Isaiah 15:2 "Dibon goes up to its temple, to its high places to weep; Moab wails over Nebo and Medeba. Every head is shaved and every beard cut off."

Jeremiah 47:5 "Gaza will shave her head in mourning..."

Isaiah 22:12 "...the Lord Almighty, called you on that day to weep and to wail, to tear out your hair..."

Micah 1:16 "Shave your heads in mourning for the children in whom you delight; make yourselves as bald as the vulture, for they will go from you into exile."

Ezekiel 27:31 "They will shave their heads because of you ...They will weep over you with anguish of soul and with bitter mourning."

Jeremiah 7:29, Jeremiah 48: 37, Ezekiel 7:18, the list goes on. 

I did this 2 weeks ago and thought- I have no idea what I can learn from this, move on..

But just this week it hit me. Mourning, grieving, being broken- it's all necessary for joy. 

At church this week, the pastor said "Christians should be the best mourners." 

We often feel that crying is a sign of weakness. Christians should put on a smile everywhere they go, Christians should tell others that are sad that they will find "joy in their trials" and not mourn with them, Christians should hold it together or else people will see that the Lord is not enough- that's a bunch of nonsense. Be where you’re at, and He will meet you in that place. If you are broken- grieve- He will meet you there. 

We can grieve in a non healthy way though, we can grieve in self- pity and find our self in this place of depression, of self absorption. This doesn't just mean physically crying, this means sulking- sulking in our self. The Lord doesn't call us to be victimized; He calls us to be victorious. Jesus didn't stay in that tomb, wrapped up. HE ROSE. Why would He stay in the tomb when He is the son of God? Why would we stay in a state of self- absorption when we can be redeemed? 

It's so easy to sulk in self- pity. When I was on my knees screaming and weeping in the shower as I talked about in my "Day One" blog, I wanted SO badly when I finally got on my feet, to go into my bed, cover my face, and sulk in that bed, all day long- not talking to anyone, not doing anything, just sulking. I forced myself to open the Word, and when I did, it took ONE VERSE to completely erase all my sorrow, completely pick me up off my feet, and completely fill me with JOY. Joy was not the fake smile I had at Wal-Mart, joy was when I gave myself a time to mourn and then ran into His open arms, and was filled with an eternal hope that will never be taken away from me. 

Day One

Today had to be the strangest day of my life.

First words out of my mouth when I walked into the bathroom this morning.. "OH MY GOSH I'M STILL BALD!"

My roommates laughed, as did I, but part of me was hoping it was all a dream. I knew that Monday would be the hardest.. going to all my classes, being in public for the first time, and knowing there was no going back. I walked into my first class with my eyes glued to the floor, I didn't want to see people staring. But little did I know, NO ONE would look at me. I went several hours today and no one said a thing. Which sounds like that would be better, but eventually I wanted to say "YOU CAN TALK TO ME PEOPLE, I KNOW I'M BALD!" It was like no one wanted to be rude by looking at me, but going all morning with no one talking to me was even worse. The strangest part of the day was seeing my shadow and my reflections in windows, and scaring myself every single time. No one has looked at, felt, and dealt with my long hair more than I have, and it's definitely the scariest thing to see my reflection. I turned away from the mirror to grab something this morning for no more than 5 seconds, and as soon I turned back around I jumped. There's no getting used to a bald head, I tell ya that much.

I thought that I would feel hideous today and just want to hide from the world, but that wasn't the case at all. I'm not even at the point where I can think about beauty, I'm still freaked out. To this moment, I am still shaken up, and honestly- just in shock. Ever since I got shaved I've had so much to do, and haven't had a second to let it sink in or to be alone. I knew I would break eventually. Several times throughout today I caught my eyes getting glossy, just wanting to break down, but I kept telling myself to hold it. I about ran to my room after my last class this afternoon, went straight into bed, put my head in my pillow, and finally...broke. Nothing in me wanted a single compliment, nothing in me wanted another hug, nothing in me wanted to talk to anyone. I just needed to be broken. I eventually moved to the shower, thinking that the shower is the best place to cry, but as soon as I felt the water hit my bald head I dropped to the floor, broken. I sobbed on my shower floor until I couldn't cry anymore.

Eventually I gained the strength to go to Walmart and pick up a few things I needed, including Prenatal vitamins (the faster, the better right?). That's when I started getting stares. I also started getting pampered, like I was warned about- people letting me pass them in line, people clearing the way for me down the isle. People gave me their "I'm sorry you have cancer" half smiles- I just wanted to leave.

I skipped my other obligations in the evening; I wasn't about to put on another fake smile. It was time for some divine healing. I needed joy, I needed strength, and I needed the Holy Spirit. I read the story of Ester, didn't make me feel much better. Beauty wasn't my issue here. It was getting used to change. Then I opened up to a Psalm 102. "Here my prayer Lord, let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me when I call, answer me quickly." David sure did have the words when I couldn't make out any.

"For my days vanish like smoke...My days are like the evening shadow...I wither away like grass...I will perish...they will wear out like a garment... they will be discarded"

YES, YES, YES.

David was crying out with yearnings of how fleeting the things of life are. My hair has vanished, my hair has perished, my hair has been discarded- 26 inches is no longer on my head. Yes, I understand David was suffering with a withering and perishing physical body because of persecution, but he was feeling the same thing I am- broken, different, and realizing that everything in this world is finite.

"But you Lord, sit enthroned FOREVER, your renown endures through ALL generations... You remain the SAME, and your years will NEVER END."

Finally. Peace that surpasses all understanding.

Root of All Evil

Just when I think my motives are pure, just when I think that my heart is in the right place, just when I think that I can actually live a day without sin- I am proven wrong. 

This past week I've been consumed with how much money studying abroad this summer is costing me, and it has literally ruined my week. Even today I was thinking about how much money I'm going to have to pay for online classes next summer because I didn't get the classes I needed this morning when I registered, and it caused me to be bitter and impatient towards every person and situation I faced today. I worry about jobs, I worry about bills, I worry about loans, I worry worry worry like crazy when it comes to money.

In 17 days I will be bald and I am feeling confident and excited, but there's ones problem. I am constantly checking to see if anyone has donated, if anyone has made ME closer to MY goal. Some days I think to myself how much easier it will be to go bald on April 22 knowing that I have reached my goal of $5,000. All that is screaming is one thing...

pride. 

WHY does sin ALWAYS have to creep in?

"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs." 1 Timothy 6:10

How many times have I let issues or worries related to money ruin my day? How many times have I selfishly clung to my wallet when I was called to surrender it? How many times have I let the thought of money cause me to be bitter, stubborn, or angry to the people around me? 

In this case, I have allowed money to be a source of pride.

I'm preaching to everyone that beauty is fleeting, when I myself am forgetting that EVERYTHING on this earth is fleeting. 

"I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly..I wanted to see what was good for people to do under the heavens during the few days of their lives. I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. I brought male and female slaves and had other slaves who were born in my house. I also owned more herds and flocks them anyone in Jerusalem before me. I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired male and female singers, and a harem as well- the delights of a mans heart. I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me. I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure...Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." Ecclesiastes 2:3-11

Slap in the face. 

How often do I forget that the things I consume myself with are fleeting and have no eternal significance?

My friend looked at me tonight and said, "Heather, I know all the people you emailed last weekend didn't donate, but is that what matters? Is it about how much money you are raising or is it about their heart being changed by seeing what you are doing?"

I'm going to be bald for months, I'm not going to have a normal hair length for years. People undoubtedly are going to ask why I don't have hair- but is it the numbers that they're going to remember at the end of the day, or is it the heart behind surrendering that they are going to remember?

"God gives some people wealth, possessions and honor, so that they lack nothing their hearts desire, but God does not grant them the ability to enjoy them, and strangers enjoy them instead." Ecc. 6:2

I could raise all the money in the world, but it still wouldn't satisfy my heart. I would only want more. That's why I am never content when my heart is consumed in things of this world. Everything on this earth is fleeting. But my God, my Savior, my Lord is far from meaningless. He created meaning. So we can either run around trying to find pleasure in things of this world, or we can stand before the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Creator of this universe and say "Lord, you are the only thing that will fulfill me. Give me less of me and more of you, because I want a life full of meaning."

Desiring to Suffer

"Man, your eyes are beautiful today Heather"..."Hey Heather, you look cute today"...

People can say those things all they want but NO compliment will ever compare to this one...

"Hey Heather, why are you so full of joy?"

Gosh, that is the best. 

SO many people live their life searching for happiness, chasing their desires, and loving themselves. So you get the car you've dreamed of, you get the family you've always wanted, you got the "A" you strived for, you made good money today- there is no eternal value in those things. Temporary happiness is all that you will gain.

Fulfilling your desires with things of this world will always leave you wanting MORE. 

People live their life searching for an eternal joy, and they look everywhere but towards the one who gives it. When you are full of joy, you bet people are going to ask where the heck you got it. They see it, and THEY WANT IT. Peter tells us, "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." [1 Peter 3:15]

Joy is a fruit of the spirit for a reason. We will never attain it on our own. "The spirit intervenes in our weakness, but not in our avoidance." [B Moore] We have to abide in the Spirit to be filled. 

No way am I joyful all the time, I'm only human. But I do know when I am full of the spirit, because people are asking- asking how they can get it. I'm currently doing a 10 week Beth Moore study on the fruits of the spirit, and this week has been all about joy. These are some things I've learned..

How do you get joy?

1. Remembering your salvation- David says it himself, "Restore to me the JOY of your SALVATION." [Psalm 51:12] The bible clearly tells us that those who don't belong to Christ will be destroyed. [2 Peter 3:7] "destroy" in greek is "apoleia", which means: "losing, loss, the state after death wherein exclusion from salvation is a realized fact." Dang. Another definition for "apoleia" is "waste". Their lives are a total waste. Who wants their lives to be meaningless? NO ONE! Praise him that your life has PURPOSE, your life has MEANING, and your life is in the BOOK OF LIFE.

"TRUE joy is when the weight of the gospel makes you fall to your knees and puts humility on your face and all you can do is look up in hope."

 

2. Restoration- "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again..My lips will shout for JOY when I sing praise to you." [Psalm 71:20, 23] I think back to the times of my life that were the hardest- the most painful. In every single trial I have been through, joy has been the end result. Look at Paul for crying out loud- he loved to suffer, because restoration always followed. "I want to know Christ... and participate in his sufferings." [Phil 3:10] He says "after you have suffered a little while, he will restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." [1 Peter 5:10] EVERY circumstance is an opportunity to bear fruit, even in the hardest of times. In your weakness He is strong. Knowing my sufferings have a purpose, knowing that he will restore me EVERY single time I am broken, and knowing the pain I feel now will never compare to the joy I will have in Heaven-  THAT is JOY. 

3. Community- Out of the entire week of my Spring Break trip this year, the best part was the night where my small group went into a time of confession and prayer. It wasn't the zipline, the games, the bonfire- it was the intimate time I spent with my community, because healing and joy were abounding that night. The Lord gives us one another to keep us running this race. It's like when you see the finish line ahead of you but literally fall to your knees in exhaustion- he gives you a community that turns around, comes to you, picks you up and says "I've been there before. But I promise you it is worth it." Paul calls our community our "crown and joy" [Phil 4:1]

Why don't I receive the compliments of "having joy" all the time? Well because I lose my joy- easily. Beth Moore says that these 5 reasons are why we lose our joy:

1. Our outpour exceeds our intake. We constantly have to be hearing truth to be filled. 

2. When our talk exceeds our walk. The Lord sees your heart, not your reputation. You cannot worship a God less than you proclaim. You also can't say you believe something and not live it out- if you don't live it than your faith is dead. [James 2:26]

3. When we don't slow down. Of course we feel the Lord in a moving worship service or at Church Camp, but you can still feel His presence in your own life if you would simply make the time to be with Him. Is getting 45 more minutes of sleep going to have eternal significance? Ouch. 

4. When we are exhausted. No way am I going to be full of joy on 2 hours of sleep and no food to fuel me. When we are so consumed in our academics or a circumstance in our life, we forget our purpose of life is to glorify the Lord and enjoy Him forever, and we run dry. My pastor once said, "When believers come to chaos they are still joyful. They can say "all of this can fall away and I'd be okay."

5. When we feel alone. When we feel like we are the only ones standing up for truth and don't rely on community. We NEED each other. Satan is battling for our souls, and we need each other for encouragement and accountability ALL the time. 

I desire joy more than anything in this world. Some days, it is hard to get it through my head that when we suffer, joy WILL follow. On days that I seek joy by indulging in the Spirit instead of indulging in my fleshly desires, I actually desire suffering. I have never really struggled with body image before- I would say I am fairly confident in the way I feel about myself. I wake up 5 minutes before class starts and hardly look in a mirror, I never have problems eatting enough, I could care less about my jean size. But I can't tell you how many friends, how many campers, and how many lies from the enemy I have heard that deal with not feeling attractive. I literally desire to struggle with this because I've never been challenged to love myself even when I physically want to hide from the world. I want my identity to be tested and I want to be restored. Some days I wonder what the heck I signed myself up for- and then I remember, good does not equal easy, but good WILL come from this, and most importantly- JOY will come from it. I have to remind myself of this every single day. 

The Decision

It was the first week of school and the Lord laid St. Baldrick's Foundation on my heart. 


NO WAY, NO HOW Lord, don't even think about it...


...fine, I'll pray about it.


I prayed constantly that night. Then the dreams began, dreams that I was bald.
I prayed constantly that week. Then it started to consume my every thought, it wouldn't go away. 
I prayed constantly that month. Then I stopped laughing at the Lord and told him ok..maybe
I prayed constantly that semester. Then the Lord changed my heart. 


It was in church service one Sunday that the Lord opened my eyes. The preacher was talking about walls- walls that we put up, walls that separate us, walls that hold us back from surrendering. The Lord clearly told me my wall was..


Vanity.


vanity: the excessive belief in one's own abilities or attractiveness to others
hebel (Greek): vapor, a breath


If beauty is like vapor then why do I care at all? Because I want to be attractive to men. Because I want the world to see me as beautiful. Because I want to feel good about myself. 


Boy doesn't that sound shallow.


I'M SICK OF IT.


I HATE the world's definition of beauty, and most of all I HATE that I listen to it. I am so sick of superficiality and I WILL defeat it.


My hair is a source of vanity. It is my favorite thing about myself. Some days I believe it's the only beautiful thing about me. No wonder I laughed at the Lord when he told me to go bald. There was no way I was surrendering what I believed to be "beauty".


Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised. 
Proverbs 31:30


I meditated on that scripture all semester long. And eventually, my heart was changed. I knew that it was vanity that I had to surrender. 


But I still didn't want to believe that this is what I would have to do to surrender my vanity, so I asked for a cliche sign. 


Lord, I know we're not supposed to test you, but I seriously am scared to death to go bald. Will you clearly show me if this is what I need to do?


I finally gained the courage to get on the St. Baldricks website one day and see what it was all about. There it was, in big bold letters, staring me in the face: "Be a Shavee" and I clicked it. And what were the first words on the page you ask? 


"Go ahead- throw vanity out the window." 


You've got to be kidding me. 


Diary entry on December 20th, 2011:
Hard is good right? You learn things when you do something that's hard. In my weakness I can see the Lord come into play more than ever. I WANT to struggle with body image because I never really have before. I want to struggle with my self perspective, my identity- because that's where the Lord will teach me. When I feel like I've lost the only thing beautiful about me, He will show me that what's inside of me is real beauty. I don't think finding your identity in Christ is something anyone will master, but I believe that step by step you will see yourself in His eyes instead of the world's. By giving up my hair, a source of physical pride and vanity- I feel like I can be one step closer. One step is all I need to make this worth it. Shaving my head is bold, it's hard, and it's a statement- a statement of surrender, a statement of humility, but most importantly, a statement that the Lord is my true identity. 

There it was, the decision was made.