Desiring to Suffer

"Man, your eyes are beautiful today Heather"..."Hey Heather, you look cute today"...

People can say those things all they want but NO compliment will ever compare to this one...

"Hey Heather, why are you so full of joy?"

Gosh, that is the best. 

SO many people live their life searching for happiness, chasing their desires, and loving themselves. So you get the car you've dreamed of, you get the family you've always wanted, you got the "A" you strived for, you made good money today- there is no eternal value in those things. Temporary happiness is all that you will gain.

Fulfilling your desires with things of this world will always leave you wanting MORE. 

People live their life searching for an eternal joy, and they look everywhere but towards the one who gives it. When you are full of joy, you bet people are going to ask where the heck you got it. They see it, and THEY WANT IT. Peter tells us, "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." [1 Peter 3:15]

Joy is a fruit of the spirit for a reason. We will never attain it on our own. "The spirit intervenes in our weakness, but not in our avoidance." [B Moore] We have to abide in the Spirit to be filled. 

No way am I joyful all the time, I'm only human. But I do know when I am full of the spirit, because people are asking- asking how they can get it. I'm currently doing a 10 week Beth Moore study on the fruits of the spirit, and this week has been all about joy. These are some things I've learned..

How do you get joy?

1. Remembering your salvation- David says it himself, "Restore to me the JOY of your SALVATION." [Psalm 51:12] The bible clearly tells us that those who don't belong to Christ will be destroyed. [2 Peter 3:7] "destroy" in greek is "apoleia", which means: "losing, loss, the state after death wherein exclusion from salvation is a realized fact." Dang. Another definition for "apoleia" is "waste". Their lives are a total waste. Who wants their lives to be meaningless? NO ONE! Praise him that your life has PURPOSE, your life has MEANING, and your life is in the BOOK OF LIFE.

"TRUE joy is when the weight of the gospel makes you fall to your knees and puts humility on your face and all you can do is look up in hope."

 

2. Restoration- "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again..My lips will shout for JOY when I sing praise to you." [Psalm 71:20, 23] I think back to the times of my life that were the hardest- the most painful. In every single trial I have been through, joy has been the end result. Look at Paul for crying out loud- he loved to suffer, because restoration always followed. "I want to know Christ... and participate in his sufferings." [Phil 3:10] He says "after you have suffered a little while, he will restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." [1 Peter 5:10] EVERY circumstance is an opportunity to bear fruit, even in the hardest of times. In your weakness He is strong. Knowing my sufferings have a purpose, knowing that he will restore me EVERY single time I am broken, and knowing the pain I feel now will never compare to the joy I will have in Heaven-  THAT is JOY. 

3. Community- Out of the entire week of my Spring Break trip this year, the best part was the night where my small group went into a time of confession and prayer. It wasn't the zipline, the games, the bonfire- it was the intimate time I spent with my community, because healing and joy were abounding that night. The Lord gives us one another to keep us running this race. It's like when you see the finish line ahead of you but literally fall to your knees in exhaustion- he gives you a community that turns around, comes to you, picks you up and says "I've been there before. But I promise you it is worth it." Paul calls our community our "crown and joy" [Phil 4:1]

Why don't I receive the compliments of "having joy" all the time? Well because I lose my joy- easily. Beth Moore says that these 5 reasons are why we lose our joy:

1. Our outpour exceeds our intake. We constantly have to be hearing truth to be filled. 

2. When our talk exceeds our walk. The Lord sees your heart, not your reputation. You cannot worship a God less than you proclaim. You also can't say you believe something and not live it out- if you don't live it than your faith is dead. [James 2:26]

3. When we don't slow down. Of course we feel the Lord in a moving worship service or at Church Camp, but you can still feel His presence in your own life if you would simply make the time to be with Him. Is getting 45 more minutes of sleep going to have eternal significance? Ouch. 

4. When we are exhausted. No way am I going to be full of joy on 2 hours of sleep and no food to fuel me. When we are so consumed in our academics or a circumstance in our life, we forget our purpose of life is to glorify the Lord and enjoy Him forever, and we run dry. My pastor once said, "When believers come to chaos they are still joyful. They can say "all of this can fall away and I'd be okay."

5. When we feel alone. When we feel like we are the only ones standing up for truth and don't rely on community. We NEED each other. Satan is battling for our souls, and we need each other for encouragement and accountability ALL the time. 

I desire joy more than anything in this world. Some days, it is hard to get it through my head that when we suffer, joy WILL follow. On days that I seek joy by indulging in the Spirit instead of indulging in my fleshly desires, I actually desire suffering. I have never really struggled with body image before- I would say I am fairly confident in the way I feel about myself. I wake up 5 minutes before class starts and hardly look in a mirror, I never have problems eatting enough, I could care less about my jean size. But I can't tell you how many friends, how many campers, and how many lies from the enemy I have heard that deal with not feeling attractive. I literally desire to struggle with this because I've never been challenged to love myself even when I physically want to hide from the world. I want my identity to be tested and I want to be restored. Some days I wonder what the heck I signed myself up for- and then I remember, good does not equal easy, but good WILL come from this, and most importantly- JOY will come from it. I have to remind myself of this every single day. 

The Decision

It was the first week of school and the Lord laid St. Baldrick's Foundation on my heart. 


NO WAY, NO HOW Lord, don't even think about it...


...fine, I'll pray about it.


I prayed constantly that night. Then the dreams began, dreams that I was bald.
I prayed constantly that week. Then it started to consume my every thought, it wouldn't go away. 
I prayed constantly that month. Then I stopped laughing at the Lord and told him ok..maybe
I prayed constantly that semester. Then the Lord changed my heart. 


It was in church service one Sunday that the Lord opened my eyes. The preacher was talking about walls- walls that we put up, walls that separate us, walls that hold us back from surrendering. The Lord clearly told me my wall was..


Vanity.


vanity: the excessive belief in one's own abilities or attractiveness to others
hebel (Greek): vapor, a breath


If beauty is like vapor then why do I care at all? Because I want to be attractive to men. Because I want the world to see me as beautiful. Because I want to feel good about myself. 


Boy doesn't that sound shallow.


I'M SICK OF IT.


I HATE the world's definition of beauty, and most of all I HATE that I listen to it. I am so sick of superficiality and I WILL defeat it.


My hair is a source of vanity. It is my favorite thing about myself. Some days I believe it's the only beautiful thing about me. No wonder I laughed at the Lord when he told me to go bald. There was no way I was surrendering what I believed to be "beauty".


Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised. 
Proverbs 31:30


I meditated on that scripture all semester long. And eventually, my heart was changed. I knew that it was vanity that I had to surrender. 


But I still didn't want to believe that this is what I would have to do to surrender my vanity, so I asked for a cliche sign. 


Lord, I know we're not supposed to test you, but I seriously am scared to death to go bald. Will you clearly show me if this is what I need to do?


I finally gained the courage to get on the St. Baldricks website one day and see what it was all about. There it was, in big bold letters, staring me in the face: "Be a Shavee" and I clicked it. And what were the first words on the page you ask? 


"Go ahead- throw vanity out the window." 


You've got to be kidding me. 


Diary entry on December 20th, 2011:
Hard is good right? You learn things when you do something that's hard. In my weakness I can see the Lord come into play more than ever. I WANT to struggle with body image because I never really have before. I want to struggle with my self perspective, my identity- because that's where the Lord will teach me. When I feel like I've lost the only thing beautiful about me, He will show me that what's inside of me is real beauty. I don't think finding your identity in Christ is something anyone will master, but I believe that step by step you will see yourself in His eyes instead of the world's. By giving up my hair, a source of physical pride and vanity- I feel like I can be one step closer. One step is all I need to make this worth it. Shaving my head is bold, it's hard, and it's a statement- a statement of surrender, a statement of humility, but most importantly, a statement that the Lord is my true identity. 

There it was, the decision was made.