The Decision

It was the first week of school and the Lord laid St. Baldrick's Foundation on my heart. 


NO WAY, NO HOW Lord, don't even think about it...


...fine, I'll pray about it.


I prayed constantly that night. Then the dreams began, dreams that I was bald.
I prayed constantly that week. Then it started to consume my every thought, it wouldn't go away. 
I prayed constantly that month. Then I stopped laughing at the Lord and told him ok..maybe
I prayed constantly that semester. Then the Lord changed my heart. 


It was in church service one Sunday that the Lord opened my eyes. The preacher was talking about walls- walls that we put up, walls that separate us, walls that hold us back from surrendering. The Lord clearly told me my wall was..


Vanity.


vanity: the excessive belief in one's own abilities or attractiveness to others
hebel (Greek): vapor, a breath


If beauty is like vapor then why do I care at all? Because I want to be attractive to men. Because I want the world to see me as beautiful. Because I want to feel good about myself. 


Boy doesn't that sound shallow.


I'M SICK OF IT.


I HATE the world's definition of beauty, and most of all I HATE that I listen to it. I am so sick of superficiality and I WILL defeat it.


My hair is a source of vanity. It is my favorite thing about myself. Some days I believe it's the only beautiful thing about me. No wonder I laughed at the Lord when he told me to go bald. There was no way I was surrendering what I believed to be "beauty".


Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised. 
Proverbs 31:30


I meditated on that scripture all semester long. And eventually, my heart was changed. I knew that it was vanity that I had to surrender. 


But I still didn't want to believe that this is what I would have to do to surrender my vanity, so I asked for a cliche sign. 


Lord, I know we're not supposed to test you, but I seriously am scared to death to go bald. Will you clearly show me if this is what I need to do?


I finally gained the courage to get on the St. Baldricks website one day and see what it was all about. There it was, in big bold letters, staring me in the face: "Be a Shavee" and I clicked it. And what were the first words on the page you ask? 


"Go ahead- throw vanity out the window." 


You've got to be kidding me. 


Diary entry on December 20th, 2011:
Hard is good right? You learn things when you do something that's hard. In my weakness I can see the Lord come into play more than ever. I WANT to struggle with body image because I never really have before. I want to struggle with my self perspective, my identity- because that's where the Lord will teach me. When I feel like I've lost the only thing beautiful about me, He will show me that what's inside of me is real beauty. I don't think finding your identity in Christ is something anyone will master, but I believe that step by step you will see yourself in His eyes instead of the world's. By giving up my hair, a source of physical pride and vanity- I feel like I can be one step closer. One step is all I need to make this worth it. Shaving my head is bold, it's hard, and it's a statement- a statement of surrender, a statement of humility, but most importantly, a statement that the Lord is my true identity. 

There it was, the decision was made.