Day One

Today had to be the strangest day of my life.

First words out of my mouth when I walked into the bathroom this morning.. "OH MY GOSH I'M STILL BALD!"

My roommates laughed, as did I, but part of me was hoping it was all a dream. I knew that Monday would be the hardest.. going to all my classes, being in public for the first time, and knowing there was no going back. I walked into my first class with my eyes glued to the floor, I didn't want to see people staring. But little did I know, NO ONE would look at me. I went several hours today and no one said a thing. Which sounds like that would be better, but eventually I wanted to say "YOU CAN TALK TO ME PEOPLE, I KNOW I'M BALD!" It was like no one wanted to be rude by looking at me, but going all morning with no one talking to me was even worse. The strangest part of the day was seeing my shadow and my reflections in windows, and scaring myself every single time. No one has looked at, felt, and dealt with my long hair more than I have, and it's definitely the scariest thing to see my reflection. I turned away from the mirror to grab something this morning for no more than 5 seconds, and as soon I turned back around I jumped. There's no getting used to a bald head, I tell ya that much.

I thought that I would feel hideous today and just want to hide from the world, but that wasn't the case at all. I'm not even at the point where I can think about beauty, I'm still freaked out. To this moment, I am still shaken up, and honestly- just in shock. Ever since I got shaved I've had so much to do, and haven't had a second to let it sink in or to be alone. I knew I would break eventually. Several times throughout today I caught my eyes getting glossy, just wanting to break down, but I kept telling myself to hold it. I about ran to my room after my last class this afternoon, went straight into bed, put my head in my pillow, and finally...broke. Nothing in me wanted a single compliment, nothing in me wanted another hug, nothing in me wanted to talk to anyone. I just needed to be broken. I eventually moved to the shower, thinking that the shower is the best place to cry, but as soon as I felt the water hit my bald head I dropped to the floor, broken. I sobbed on my shower floor until I couldn't cry anymore.

Eventually I gained the strength to go to Walmart and pick up a few things I needed, including Prenatal vitamins (the faster, the better right?). That's when I started getting stares. I also started getting pampered, like I was warned about- people letting me pass them in line, people clearing the way for me down the isle. People gave me their "I'm sorry you have cancer" half smiles- I just wanted to leave.

I skipped my other obligations in the evening; I wasn't about to put on another fake smile. It was time for some divine healing. I needed joy, I needed strength, and I needed the Holy Spirit. I read the story of Ester, didn't make me feel much better. Beauty wasn't my issue here. It was getting used to change. Then I opened up to a Psalm 102. "Here my prayer Lord, let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me when I call, answer me quickly." David sure did have the words when I couldn't make out any.

"For my days vanish like smoke...My days are like the evening shadow...I wither away like grass...I will perish...they will wear out like a garment... they will be discarded"

YES, YES, YES.

David was crying out with yearnings of how fleeting the things of life are. My hair has vanished, my hair has perished, my hair has been discarded- 26 inches is no longer on my head. Yes, I understand David was suffering with a withering and perishing physical body because of persecution, but he was feeling the same thing I am- broken, different, and realizing that everything in this world is finite.

"But you Lord, sit enthroned FOREVER, your renown endures through ALL generations... You remain the SAME, and your years will NEVER END."

Finally. Peace that surpasses all understanding.

Root of All Evil

Just when I think my motives are pure, just when I think that my heart is in the right place, just when I think that I can actually live a day without sin- I am proven wrong. 

This past week I've been consumed with how much money studying abroad this summer is costing me, and it has literally ruined my week. Even today I was thinking about how much money I'm going to have to pay for online classes next summer because I didn't get the classes I needed this morning when I registered, and it caused me to be bitter and impatient towards every person and situation I faced today. I worry about jobs, I worry about bills, I worry about loans, I worry worry worry like crazy when it comes to money.

In 17 days I will be bald and I am feeling confident and excited, but there's ones problem. I am constantly checking to see if anyone has donated, if anyone has made ME closer to MY goal. Some days I think to myself how much easier it will be to go bald on April 22 knowing that I have reached my goal of $5,000. All that is screaming is one thing...

pride. 

WHY does sin ALWAYS have to creep in?

"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs." 1 Timothy 6:10

How many times have I let issues or worries related to money ruin my day? How many times have I selfishly clung to my wallet when I was called to surrender it? How many times have I let the thought of money cause me to be bitter, stubborn, or angry to the people around me? 

In this case, I have allowed money to be a source of pride.

I'm preaching to everyone that beauty is fleeting, when I myself am forgetting that EVERYTHING on this earth is fleeting. 

"I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly..I wanted to see what was good for people to do under the heavens during the few days of their lives. I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. I brought male and female slaves and had other slaves who were born in my house. I also owned more herds and flocks them anyone in Jerusalem before me. I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired male and female singers, and a harem as well- the delights of a mans heart. I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me. I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure...Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." Ecclesiastes 2:3-11

Slap in the face. 

How often do I forget that the things I consume myself with are fleeting and have no eternal significance?

My friend looked at me tonight and said, "Heather, I know all the people you emailed last weekend didn't donate, but is that what matters? Is it about how much money you are raising or is it about their heart being changed by seeing what you are doing?"

I'm going to be bald for months, I'm not going to have a normal hair length for years. People undoubtedly are going to ask why I don't have hair- but is it the numbers that they're going to remember at the end of the day, or is it the heart behind surrendering that they are going to remember?

"God gives some people wealth, possessions and honor, so that they lack nothing their hearts desire, but God does not grant them the ability to enjoy them, and strangers enjoy them instead." Ecc. 6:2

I could raise all the money in the world, but it still wouldn't satisfy my heart. I would only want more. That's why I am never content when my heart is consumed in things of this world. Everything on this earth is fleeting. But my God, my Savior, my Lord is far from meaningless. He created meaning. So we can either run around trying to find pleasure in things of this world, or we can stand before the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Creator of this universe and say "Lord, you are the only thing that will fulfill me. Give me less of me and more of you, because I want a life full of meaning."