Day One

Today had to be the strangest day of my life.

First words out of my mouth when I walked into the bathroom this morning.. "OH MY GOSH I'M STILL BALD!"

My roommates laughed, as did I, but part of me was hoping it was all a dream. I knew that Monday would be the hardest.. going to all my classes, being in public for the first time, and knowing there was no going back. I walked into my first class with my eyes glued to the floor, I didn't want to see people staring. But little did I know, NO ONE would look at me. I went several hours today and no one said a thing. Which sounds like that would be better, but eventually I wanted to say "YOU CAN TALK TO ME PEOPLE, I KNOW I'M BALD!" It was like no one wanted to be rude by looking at me, but going all morning with no one talking to me was even worse. The strangest part of the day was seeing my shadow and my reflections in windows, and scaring myself every single time. No one has looked at, felt, and dealt with my long hair more than I have, and it's definitely the scariest thing to see my reflection. I turned away from the mirror to grab something this morning for no more than 5 seconds, and as soon I turned back around I jumped. There's no getting used to a bald head, I tell ya that much.

I thought that I would feel hideous today and just want to hide from the world, but that wasn't the case at all. I'm not even at the point where I can think about beauty, I'm still freaked out. To this moment, I am still shaken up, and honestly- just in shock. Ever since I got shaved I've had so much to do, and haven't had a second to let it sink in or to be alone. I knew I would break eventually. Several times throughout today I caught my eyes getting glossy, just wanting to break down, but I kept telling myself to hold it. I about ran to my room after my last class this afternoon, went straight into bed, put my head in my pillow, and finally...broke. Nothing in me wanted a single compliment, nothing in me wanted another hug, nothing in me wanted to talk to anyone. I just needed to be broken. I eventually moved to the shower, thinking that the shower is the best place to cry, but as soon as I felt the water hit my bald head I dropped to the floor, broken. I sobbed on my shower floor until I couldn't cry anymore.

Eventually I gained the strength to go to Walmart and pick up a few things I needed, including Prenatal vitamins (the faster, the better right?). That's when I started getting stares. I also started getting pampered, like I was warned about- people letting me pass them in line, people clearing the way for me down the isle. People gave me their "I'm sorry you have cancer" half smiles- I just wanted to leave.

I skipped my other obligations in the evening; I wasn't about to put on another fake smile. It was time for some divine healing. I needed joy, I needed strength, and I needed the Holy Spirit. I read the story of Ester, didn't make me feel much better. Beauty wasn't my issue here. It was getting used to change. Then I opened up to a Psalm 102. "Here my prayer Lord, let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me when I call, answer me quickly." David sure did have the words when I couldn't make out any.

"For my days vanish like smoke...My days are like the evening shadow...I wither away like grass...I will perish...they will wear out like a garment... they will be discarded"

YES, YES, YES.

David was crying out with yearnings of how fleeting the things of life are. My hair has vanished, my hair has perished, my hair has been discarded- 26 inches is no longer on my head. Yes, I understand David was suffering with a withering and perishing physical body because of persecution, but he was feeling the same thing I am- broken, different, and realizing that everything in this world is finite.

"But you Lord, sit enthroned FOREVER, your renown endures through ALL generations... You remain the SAME, and your years will NEVER END."

Finally. Peace that surpasses all understanding.